:: Gideon's Shite Site ::

:: 7.29.2004 ::

What if you could live the life you imagined yourself living as a child when you were all "grown up"? How far from that tangent universe of childhood whimsey have you strayed? Almost 95% of the world's population feel that their lives almost certainly could be better. Why is this? Why can't we just assume a mantle of reality that benefits us all instead of the ruling elite? Then again, what if all we precieve as antagonistic and malignant is just a figment of our collective over mind? The monster in the closet we all just simply accept as truth without ever opening the closet ourselves to find out for sure is there. Hiding under our covers, closing our eyes, because the truth we think is out there is too terrible to behold...

Or is it?

Look around you. No, seriously, look around you real good. Is there anything you can see that causes you panic, fright, or just a plain sure sense of dread? Think about that for a moment. What is causing your anxiety? Is it some tangeble thing or just a figurative construct, such as terrorism. Not global terrorism, not a HAMASS suicide bomber in Isreal, but a broke ass American living in an apartment surround by little more than personal momentos and drapes.

Where is this boogy man you are so fucking afraid of? To me, he sounds ever so much like what our leaders said the commie spy looked like back in the cold wars days.

Are you so much like the judas sheep leading his flock to the killing floor because you so fear the hand that feeds you?

Imagine that you never again felt the need to escape reality.
Would that be so bad?

Not if the life you lead accually matters.
Always remember, you chose this life you lead and you can change it again if need be.
Reality is NEVER a constant. It is always tangent and in transition,waiting to be observed.

No fate but what we make, so to speak. Except when it's not...
But that is a rant for another day.

 

If you could be anywhere else, be anyone else... would you?
Discuss.
-GGS

:: gideon 7/29/2004 04:57:00 AM [+] ::
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DO NOT LIFT LID BEES WILL ESCAPE!


Bring on the motherbitchen' mutants, goddammit. Babies born in Moscow hothouses, muscle mass the vector of ten, able to crawl at day seven, walking in two weeks... and killing in how many months? Bring 'em. Bring them baby bitches and they metahuman strength. Let them fill the streets with the blood of those that created them. Give me superhuman children to destory the old and evil of this world and I'll show you the path to paradise. When pure untainted id rules by sheer force of will, then we shall all play in the garden of inhuman delight, whether we want to or not.

And that, my children, will be just fine with me.

Gimmie my mutant monster baby demon scion, pappa's got douchebags he needs kilt.

-GGS
:: gideon 6/30/2004 04:51:00 AM [+] ::
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"Jackie is a punk Judy is a runt
They both went down to Berlin, joined the Ice Capades
And oh, I don't know why Oh, I don't know why
Perhaps they'll die, oh yeah Perhaps they'll die, oh yeah
Perhaps they'll die, oh yeah Perhaps they'll die, oh yeah
Second verse, same as the first Jackie is a punk Judy is a runt
They both went down to Berlin, joined the Ice Capades
And oh, I don't know why Oh, I don't know why
Perhaps they'll die, oh yeah Perhaps they'll die, oh yeah
Perhaps they'll die, oh yeah Perhaps they'll die, oh yeah
Third verse, different from the first Jackie is a punk Judy is a runt
They both went down to Frisco, joined the SLA
And oh, I don't know why Oh, I don't know why
Perhaps they'll die, oh yeah Perhaps they'll die, oh yeah
Perhaps they'll die, oh yeah Perhaps they'll die, oh yeah"


Hey baby... listening to the Horrorpops, wondering what yer dreaming about. My legs are twitching with the beat of this shit in my head... it's like walking home, down a beach, in the starlight, with the opening band for reality following me, it's just what I'd wanted then and there, we could see into the future, dreaming a better place and stalking red shirts with our knives sharpened and teeth dripping, smiling... wonderful, all around, you with me in the sargasso sea of yestercognition double ugly ogres blocking our way... it's all in the cards, babe, we could take this place for its worth, just you wait, the drake knows the score, it's like a party all up in here... we corner the market once then twice fifty then nineteen... i love you,love and all I can do is give you the reality you deserve, nothing more.

The world changes, and few ever notice, but not us.
We see outside the box, and can read what is written on it's side:
WARNING! CONTENTS UNDER PRESSURE!

What? You and me against the world? That's all we'll ever need.
Fuck them motherbitches.

-Gid
:: gideon 6/25/2004 03:22:00 AM [+] ::
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The filthy monkey, it plans... or

DRINK OF THE WEKK
DRINK OF THE WEEK
The drink of the week has returned....


Tonight's brew is an old urban legend come to life via the sorrid underground bars of Miami. The Cum in a Hot Tub.

First off, the mix...

Three parts Rum, white
One part peach schnapps
now here's the tricky part...
take a normal drinking straw
fill it with amaretto
place said straw with amaretto in it into the glass
let go
top with a 151 floater

VIOLA! you've got some cum in a hot tub!
Honestly, it tastes better than it's name implies.
Shit man, it tastes better than it looks, cuz good goddamn, it really does look like someone spooged in yer drink.

A mere hint of a "Sex on the Beach" but with a tropical after taste, you might just find yourself demanding this puppy at yer local watering hole just days after your first sip.

-GGS
:: gideon 6/21/2004 03:37:00 AM [+] ::
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"Drink" of the Week; the Gipper

Two parts Nightrain fortified wine
Two parts Thunderbird
One part MD/2020 Cherry
Mixed in a bottle of Old English half full.
Follow with a large hit of Crack Cocaine
And then another
and another
Then fucking die.
In a cardboard box.

As the life slowly ebbs out of you, as your heart just gives up and refuses to beat, you can remember, or even realize, what life on the streets, from the years 1981 to 1989 were like. Of course, thanks to Ronnie's sweeping changes to medicare and social security you're going to fucking die, most likely, since no hospital will touch you, without insurance, with a mile long fucking pole.

God bless the goddamn Gipper.
:: gideon 6/07/2004 04:48:00 AM [+] ::
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Fuck Reagan

What the shit? When did Ronnie become a fucking saint? I grew up hating the feeble minded fuck. Anyone remember the Air Traffic controlers? Iran Contra? The joke that was Grenada? His "God's Wrath" view of AIDS? The fact that his fucking Veep was having lunch with the father of his would be murderer at the very moment he was shot? GOVERNMENT CHEESE?! Did you ever even hear of homeless people before he was in office? Bums, yeah, we got them, but whole families living on the streets, without homes, in cars and cardboard boxes? That's the trickle down theory of economics at fucking work for you. And don't get me started about his whole Evil Empire bullshit rant. By the end of Carter's stint it was well known in the intellegence community that the Red's were just about fucking broke anyway.

So I wake up yesterday and what assails me on the teevee?

What a great fucking "American" Ronnie was.

What bizarro reality have I fallen into? Hulk Hogan, another macho psudo-symbol of the 80's was a greater American than ol' Ronnie ever was.

And have I even mentioned that whole killing left wing nuns in central America thing yet?

Nuns. Dead nuns. Ronnie's blood money from Iran paid for that.
Oh, that's right, wasn't he working with Osama and Saddam to fight "terrorism" during his administration?

Great job, douchebag.

At least he's finally found a home he can call his own. I bet Nixon led him into the gates of Hell with Agnew chomping on his bit with fevered anticipation of the horrors ol' Ronnie was about to experience. A special throne awaits him there, that's for sure. Granted, he did die two years too early. Seriously, the feeble fuck died on 6-6-4.

We, in the satire industry, all thought he had exactly two more years in him.


Goodnight and Good morrow.
One down two to go.
:: gideon 6/07/2004 04:24:00 AM [+] ::
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:: gideon 5/20/2004 04:16:00 AM [+] ::
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Things I would like to see for sale on Ebay.

- A mayo jar of human teeth
- Ten pounds of shit in a five pound bag
- Betty White's pubic hair
- The toilet Elvis died on
- A Japanese bootleg of Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo
- $240 worth of pudding, aw ya...
- A frozen bat on a stick
- A stack of "Illinois Nickles"
- The collected works of Byron Allen
- A live Sniglet
- Any member of the Osmond clan
- "Barry White sings Farewell My Concubine" on CD
- Two fucking pails of nitro!
- The needle that killed John Belushi
- A T-shirt that reads, "This is a T-shirt"
- A hankie dipped in Dillenger's blood
- An oversized inflatable golden apple
- Several midgets dressed up as Ghostbusters


That's my wish list, anyone happens to find any of this on Ebay, just leave a comment. Lotsa love, y'all.

-GGS
:: gideon 5/14/2004 01:10:00 AM [+] ::
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Oh, and in case you haven't been waiting in less than anticipation, the Banjax Reviw Outlet has gone live as of ten mintues ago. I hope it helps you, all of you, in at least some small way
-GGS
:: gideon 5/11/2004 04:31:00 AM [+] ::
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Oh, and by the by, comments are now active and on line. Just click the li'l "+" sign below the posts to piss all over anything I say. Oh, and have fun with it. Love you all, bitches...

-GGS
:: gideon 5/11/2004 03:31:00 AM [+] ::
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Drink of the Week: The Suki Cherrybomb

In honor of my lady love Kiki and her nom de plume Suki Cherrybomb, I have created this mind blowing, ass numbing, vision scrambling drink. A boozer so powerful it just might kill you. But, on the plus side, it'll taste DAMN FINE going down. Are you ready? Then here goes...

Equal parts:

Ultimat Black Cherry Polish Grain and Potato Vodka
99 Blackberries Schnapps
Dekuyper Blue Curacao
Dr. McGillicuddy's Vanilla
Flor de Cana Centenario 12 Year Old Nicaraguan Rum
Cadenhead's Old Raj Dry Gin
Godiva Choc. Liquor

Shake with ice, pour into a large frosted glass, then serve at room tempreture. To complete the experience, top with Everclear, light it and serve with flames aplenty. Remember, this is an prestige drink, no skimping. Top shelf or better for this puppy.

Happy Boozin' muthafuckas.
-The Swann



:: gideon 5/11/2004 03:21:00 AM [+] ::
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Normally, I refuse to post so soon after posting, but this time I'll make an excuse. I just checked my mail for the first time in a week and found a letter from someone calling themself, of all things, Tora Tora Matadora, asking me the following:

"Hey Gid, love the drinks, but what would be in a Gideon Swann?"

An excellent question, one I never thought to answer on my own seeing how I usually don't figure that anyone that don't know me would be reading this. But a question asked is a question waiting to be answered, so here goes...

There are two variations on the Gideon Swann, one you'll find in at least three bars in Miami and nowhere else, and one reserved for intimate occations, the first is...

One part Mezcal
One part 151 rum
One part Everclear
One part Vermouth
One part Johnny Walker Black
Top with a cherry in a tall glass

That's the legal one, here's the "other" mix...

A tequila sunrise topped with two hits of blotter acid.

Don't try and order that at yer local Applebee's bar, they'll call the cops for serious on you.

So, there you have it, the "Gideon Swann". A warning on the effects of such drink, I'm sure, would be wasted on the lot of you miscreants and boozehounds, but I'll give it none the less, DON'T FUCKING DRINK THIS IT WILL SERIOUSLY DO DAMAGE TO YOUR SYSTEM!

And there we go, happy boozing.

-GGS
:: gideon 4/17/2004 12:32:00 AM [+] ::
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SPECIAL DoW, WEEKEND EDITION!


With the weekend here at last, and with your humble narrator and bartender fresh off of a six day work jag, I present to you, my faithful, a very special edition of the DoW which includes many lost offerings posted elsewhere. Feel free to use them, just so long as you pass the legend of their origins along with the booze and never, ever try and claim them as your own.

With that said and done, let's get to the drinking...


The "Jack Kirby"

Equal parts,

Jack Daniels
Absinthe, imported, not the fake kind, "unmolested"
Goldschlager, make sure you get some gold speks in it
Yukon Jack
Top with tobasco and an olive

Makes a nice reddish green brew when mixed right. The fact that after two of these the world becomes a seriously "Kirbyesque" landscape might add to it's naming. I first encountered this puppy on a day trip to Manhatten late in '93. Some near nameless tavern with the word "BAR" trapped in pale neon was it's only moniker, we went in and found this weird old cat with a yellow beard and white hair selling the shit as his drink of the day. After the first swallow I was ready for rehab, the shit just burned ALLLLL the way down, my stomach felt like liquid fire mixed with lye... but the second swallow... man, that was just pure bliss. It was only after a 200% tip and a promise to wait until he was dead to reveal the recipie that he gave me the keys to this seriously fucked up drink.



The "Gato Blanco"

two parts Creme de Caco
one part Everclear
one part Mezcal
one part Amaretto
top with lime wedges and salt

High, seriously high octane this drink is. The possibillity of total system failure lay within this drink. This puppy will rape your dog, set fire to the grill, beat the wife and make orphans of your children. Steer clear of it at all costs. Sure, with a name like the "White Cat" it sounds all innocent an' shit, but BEWARE! You cannot tame this bitch, she will kill your sorry ass not before too long. The combo of Everclear and Mezcal alone would blind most newbies to the HiOc scene, but it's damage can even be felt with long time imbibers of moonshine and Mescalito. If that disclaimer bothers you not, then so be it, down this whore of a drink with abandon. Be my guest, just don't blame me, blame a very nice old man named El Pator I met in the wilds of Miami many years back. He gave me this potent potable just before my first visit to "la brujia" and the virgin. He said, this was what God drank, when he needed to, and to this day, I believe him.



That's all for tonight kats and kittens, maybe more tomorrow if the Lord wills it.

-GGS



:: gideon 4/17/2004 12:12:00 AM [+] ::
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The New DoW is here!

This week's Drink of the Week is none other than the infamous "Passionfruit of the Christ"

It's as easy to make as it is to sin:

Two parts Snapple Passionfruit
One part Manischewitz wine
One part Aurum (an Italian pale gold liqueur, orange-flavoured)
One part Nightrain fortified wine
Five parts Catholic guilt

serve over ice, in a martini glass.

An old buddy of mine named "Jimbone" first created this drink in honor of the Easter Holiday back in '96 for a little known club named Eths Gothshinm, just south of the trendy district of South Beach's club scene. The Catholic guilt is purley optional, of course, but it helps.

More when it occurs to me.
-GGS
:: gideon 4/13/2004 03:11:00 AM [+] ::
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New Feature: Drink o'the Week Club

This month's DoW is the Chairman Moo.

A very simple recipie, but with a taste that lasts dynasties.

Equal parts,

Milk, whole, no skim for this puppy
Tazo Black Chinese Chai mix
Stoli vodka, trust me here, going for the cheap ruins the drink

All the flavor of a white russian but with the kick of a Re-Volt (see below). Strangely, it's taste is cloyingly like that of pumpkin pie. A French anarchist friend of mine, a cat that once taught me how to turn a stray twig into a vodka filled chewing delight, swears by this powerful brew. Communisim has never tasted SO damn good.


Last week's DoW was the Re-Volt. It, sadly, was published elsewhere, but now finds it's way here at long last. Another really simple recipie that holds it's own no matter the set or setting.

The Re-Volt

2 parts dark rum
1 part Jolt cola

Strong enough to fuck you up and leave birth defects in any possible future offspring you might spawn, and with enough caffine to make you the life of any party long after you've left it, the Re-Volt's kick offsets the rum's mellow qualities. Drink enough of this and a fight is sure to follow, so use with caution.

I first made this drink for a comtech friend of mine back in Miami, he dug it so much he brought it to silicon valley and the tech firm he currently works for, where, so I am told, it's legend grow on a daily basis. Coders nip on it to pass the downtime of meatspace on the few weekends they get shore leave. Obsessive compulsives also tend to gravitate towards this drink with abandon, I'm at a loss to explain why.

The DoW from two weeks ago was the Britney Spears.

Another real simple mix,

Two parts Bacardi 151 rum
One part ginger Ale
One part grenadine
A split cherry on top

The bartenders out there might notice that this is little more than a "Shirley Temple" with 151 tossed in. Ten points for you. Yes, this is a suped up porn star of a drink, very fitting of it's title. Few can sustain two of these in tall glasses, but the man that withstands four, so it is said, gains a powerful insight into female sexuality. Subsitute 151 with Patron tequila and you get a J.Lo Torpedo, as it is called in some of L.A.'s less frequented establishments.

Such is the alchemy of mixologists for this week ending April 2, 2004.

As always, I am your bartender and guide,
The Swann
:: gideon 4/02/2004 12:41:00 AM [+] ::
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Friend of the devil is a friend of mine

Speak your peace, speak your mind, just might get some sleep tonight.
It's all incidental, but when gas prices double the per gallon equivalent of CocaCola, than yer shit has truly gone nineteen, for serious. In other news, there's only three things left keeping me alive and two ofthem are the final chapters of Stephen king's The Dark Tower series. After they come out, well, then shit, there ain't much more keeping me tethered to this sick plane of existence.

Been spending my downtime smoking maryjane and buring time with Jerry, my soundtrack might just make Phish freeks envious, these days at least. And on that note i might add, anyone heard of any new memes on new nurotropics on the horizon? Drink and smoke and opiates are just so yesterday, daddy needs some new kick to write about. Being polypharm only goes so far in our modern day life cycle, I needs me a new joint to lay my crux upon.

Nevermind that shite, let's look into politics tonight.
Sweet AnneMarie is the hopeless dupe of the Republicans that arn't in jail. Sweet Valerie don't know how evil the Democrats are on the values of personal freedom. So where does that leave us? Sticking our collective thumbs up our asses, smoking whatever is offered us, praying for hope, finding no answer, and just saying fuck it, I'm moving to Canadia.

The Devil just dropped by and made me tell you he's up for re-election, so get out there and vote this November!

I get home, every night, just before daylight,
-Gideon
:: gideon 4/01/2004 03:55:00 AM [+] ::
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Morbid menatones


I got nothing. An update is sure to follow on the morrow.

Sorry.

Gideon
:: gideon 4/01/2004 03:32:00 AM [+] ::
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The Diabolical Curse Generator - Get yours!!!